SOUL LOSS IN ADOPTION: A SHAMANIC PERSPECTIVE ON HOW TO HEAL MOTHER/INFANT SEPARATION

To survive the loss of our child, we must become someone new, not who we were meant to be. And so do our children.

The shock of separation inevitably results in part of our soul escaping our body to block out the enormous emotional and physical pain of having to experience something so unnatural. A mother and her infant are naturally wired to be together, so whether the separation is forced or consciously chosen trauma naturally results. Our soul is the essential spiritual part of us that is our essence, our vital life force, and carries our history, character traits, talents, and determines how well we thrive.

Soul loss is always triggered by trauma. Soul loss, when some of the soul splits off, is a self-protection device to keep us from exposing essential parts of our psyches to intense pain. But then we become unaware of the loss and only experience an existential loss, or a deep now unexplained sorrow or loneliness, unresolved anger, depression, illness, addiction, suicidal tendencies, inability to flourish, and, at the least, an inability to get our life back on track the way it was meant to be. Memories are lost, part of the life is blank. The grief cannot heal. We feel like a different person, and we are.

Psychologists call this dissociation. Some birthing mothers can feel as if they are observing themselves from outside of their bodies. Their infant after separation, after feeling one with their mother for so long, almost as one soul and expecting to be only with her, must suddenly adjust to strangers and, to survive, begins to adapt to those strangers’ expectations, and most times loses its own nature in the process. Instinctively, the mother can give a part of her soul to her infant, to be able to somehow stay connected. Or she can hold on to a part of her infant’s soul. This would be done unconsciously.

Energy transcends time and space. Everything is connected. Remote healing, healing energy sent to a person who is not in our presence, the ancient indigenous technique proven by Western science, is now used in hospitals to speed healing. Healers channel universal life force to a patient to remove blocks to healing of the body from mental, emotional and spiritual causes, restoring vitality and harmony to the person. Anyone can do it. Many do it with prayer. Or you can imagine the person surrounded by a beautiful, radiant light of a much higher vibration than the stuck energy causing the illness. Be in your heart and in a quiet place as you do this. Always see them as already healthy and whole, not as their illness.

Retrieving and returning parts of a soul incorporates the above techniques but goes beyond them. The soul is individuated energy particular to a person. When parts of our soul are lost to us, we are no longer our true selves. Or if we hold onto another’s energy, we drain them of their own life force, and their energy does not work in our body. Shamans from cultures around the world have known this and were the healers in ancient cultures gifted with the ability to go in search of a person’s lost soul and return it to them. Now we can apply some of their principles for ourselves to heal the mother/infant separation we’ve experienced.

When a woman gives birth, she becomes a mother, and she is never not a mother again. Yet, when we gave birth and left our infant behind, we had to deny our motherhood to ourselves and to the world. Our motherhood was now a part of our soul, but it was forced to split off from us. On top of that, many of us experienced multiple traumas which can derail a life and cause problems during a reunion.

Many of us can compensate, but compensation is not the same as being whole. Most of us don’t have access to a shaman, or even believe in that ancient art. But we can become our own shamans. The lost parts of our soul are trying to get our attention through our suffering, so they can be brought back, made conscious and integrated. Generalized feelings of shame, guilt and unworthiness may have us come to believe that’s who we are and color how we are with others. These soul parts hold missing gifts that, when returned making us whole, bring back the ability to feel joy, be creative, love and trust again. Our relationships with others and life greatly improve.

So, how do we go about finding and returning our missing soul parts specifically from the separation from our child? The shaman goes into trance in search of another’s lost soul, believing we can’t find it ourselves and may not even know it’s gone. But just knowing the concept of lost parts of our soul opens a path for them to be returned to us. That’s the first thing. With that acknowledgement, the Universe conspires to begin the healing by placing before us opportunities to get in touch with and honor those parts of ourselves. Hearing another tell their story, one like ours, one we’ve disowned, denied or forgotten can awaken the need to remember more by validating the truth of our being. Or we might feel compelled to read a book that holds our truth. A movie, a TV show, an overheard conversation may be a catalyst for not being able to any longer ignore our deepest feelings. We may be then led to other books, a therapist, a support group. Just one person compassionately listening to and believing our story can give us the strength to journey through our pain and begin to bring back that lost part of our soul. The universe wants us to heal.

But we must be willing to journey through the pain, instead of pushing it away again, to receive the gifts awaiting us. So many of us, mothers and our children alike, describe the feeling of having a hole in our hearts, an emptiness that can’t be filled. It almost always takes a reunion with our lost mother or child to begin to fill that void. But sadly those “new” complicated relationships can be fraught from the damage already done. We need to be whole and our children to be whole to allow a loving bond.

Fortunately, there is something we can do to heal the trauma of our separation – we can become our own shaman. We can return that part of our child’s infant soul that we have instinctively kept. And, if this is the case, we can retrieve that part of our own soul we left with our children. Remember, each person’s soul’s energy is unique to them and doesn’t work mixed with anyone else’s.

This healing meditation can be done by anyone in any stage of separation or reunion: searching mothers and mothers considering a search, mothers who have had a reunion recently or years ago, mothers who have had a good or an especially bad reunion and rejection (especially when there has been no contact), and young mothers in both a closed and open adoption. If you trust the process, you will see why.

Find a beautiful place in nature or in your home, a place where you won’t be disturbed by anything for as long as you need. Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few deep breaths to relax your body. If you believe in them, ask for your angels or spirit guides to be with you. Imagine a rainbow. Because energy vibrates at different frequencies, and the colors of the rainbow all have their own higher and higher vibration, in your mind imagine first red surrounding you. Be sure it and all the colors are transparent. Next, imagine orange filling all the cells of your body and the air around you. (If you can’t visualize the colors, just think them and it will work.) Each succeeding color will have a higher and higher vibration, and correlate to the seven main chakras of our body, each one with a different color and meaning. It’s not necessary to understand or even believe in chakras. Just know that each succeeding color has a higher vibration. After orange, imagine a lemony yellow, then emerald green, sky blue, indigo and finally white/gold. Allow yourself to absorb each color.

You should feel peaceful and lighter. As you sit in this beautiful state, imagine yourself holding your infant. (You can do this even if you were never able to see or hold your baby.) Allow all the feelings that want to come up: grief, sorrow, pain, anger, love – feel whatever you feel without judgement. (Keep in mind you might have to do this healing meditation several times before it’s complete.) When the feelings have passed or calmed down, give your baby all the love he or she should have had and say whatever you need to say. Stay with this feeling until you feel complete.

Then ask yourself to give your child’s infant soul back to him or her. Imagine that baby part lifting out of your arms and floating back with love towards your child, guided by your angels or spirit guides or the Universe, trusting that it will be delivered at the right time. Trust that this is happening, because energy connects us all. Don’t be surprised if you resist letting go. Tears may come and anger. That’s normal. Just keep in mind that this is part of your child’s soul and belongs to your son or daughter and will be a healing. Like I said, you may have to do this several times before you can let go, but each time will be easier as you get more and more in touch with your true feelings. You will feel at peace once it’s done, because it’s the right thing to do.

When complete, ask yourself if any part of your own soul has stayed with your child and ask for it to return. Don’t panic that you are no longer connected. Your bond will always endure. You will always be connected on an energy level. Even if you can’t imagine this healing is working, it’s worth trying. An infant’s soul has just come from God, the Creator or Diving Intelligence, whatever name you give it and is essential to your child’s well-being.

Miracles have a chance of happening now.

NOTES: Illustration by my son Jack Ryan.

Both books are available on Amazon. Sorry I don't know how to create the links.

Please let me know how this works for you. Many blessings!