For the Mother Considering Adoption for Her Baby

Ed Note (from Marianne Cohen in her newsletter, Origins):

“This letter was sent by birth mother and author of The Other Mother Carol Schaefer to a young pregnant woman who had contacted her for advice. I asked permission to reprint it because I think it is the most useful, spiritual, and reassuring collection of advice to a woman with a problem pregnancy that I have ever read. I hope some of you will have occasion to pass it on to any young woman in this positions who come to you for guidance. Thanks, Carol, for sharing this with all of us.”

Dear Jamie,

Your letter moved me deeply, and I have taken a few days to think over my reply. I wish I had someone I could wr9te to when I was going through all you are going through now. I am so glad you found my book and me.

            I trust that you wrote to hear what I have to say, so I will be very honest with you. From your letter, I can tell you are able to listen to your heart…and this is a decision you can only make with your heart. The mind thinks a thousand thoughts a day, at least. If you listen to your thoughts, one day you will think adoption is the best thing, the next day you will doubt it. You will be deciding what is best based on what everyone else thinks is best, what the culture defines as best. Only when you sit still in the silence of your heart do you find your own truth. And when you follow your heart, no matter how difficult things may become in the future, you will have strength and courage.

            Sometimes, though, you need validation for what your heart is trying to say. That was the split for me. My heart and all my instincts were telling me this was wrong to give up my child, and everyone else was saying it was right. I know now, when you violate what your heart is trying to tell you, it takes a long time to recover.

            I believe that a child’s spirit is with us during pregnancy. And we can tune into the spirit of our child. In many ways, our children are wiser than we are and can be our guides. Sometimes a pregnancy can seem unplanned, when from a higher perspective, it makes complete sense. Your baby has come to heal you and is probably hoping to heal your family. I trust that, although you may never have heard it put this way, you know what I mean.

            I know you wish the circumstances were different, the baby’s father was there for you, that your mother was there for you and the baby. You don’t know your own father and your mother is not there for you. Your baby in a way symbolizes your own situation. It is comforting to think that you are rescuing your baby from the same fate by placing it with “ideal” parents, but you aren’t. More times than not, I have found that mothers surrendered their children to the same situation they were avoiding. For instance, they hoped for their child not to grow up in an alcoholic family like they did. But, when they find years later, they discover that the adopting family was also alcoholic. There are no guarantees the adoptive parents won’t divorce, that the father will be around, that the mother won’t be like your mother. Carol Jung calls these situations “our ancestral tasks.”

            The only guarantee you or your baby have is your own strong will to do the right thing for him while you raise him. I really believe that when you do the right thing, which to me is to take complete responsibility for the child you are bringing into this world, then Christ, the Goddess, the Universe, however you believe, does strengthen and support you.

            Even if it seems logical and the right thing to give your child to others to raise, to your baby it will feel like you were not there for him either, just as you feel your mother hasn’t been for you. And two wrongs never make a right! (My father used to say that all the time)! Feeling like you must give up your own precious baby for another person’s negative behavior can never bring happiness to anyone. If your mother does not want to acknowledge that she is a grandmother (which she will be anyway) and is asking you to get rid of a “problem” for her sake, giving up your child will not make her happy. The only hope your mother has for deeply felt soul happiness is to love your child. Even if she can’t, you must, for your own soul’s joy, even if it seems the hardest thing in the world.

            You are your child’s mother. Many women can parent your child, but you are the only one who has brought him into this world, You are the most important person in his life. No one will know him the way you know him. You already know him (or her!). I can tell from your loving letter. You, of all people, will be devastated without your baby.

            In ancient religions, it was believed that birth was a sacred time. It is a time of initiation for both child and the mother. The baby becomes a human being. And the pregnant woman becomes a mother. And once you have brought the baby into this world, you are forever a mother, whether or not you raise him. Nothing severs that bond.

            During pregnancy, the nesting instinct is really strong. You want to create the best “nest.” This is when adoption plans are made. But something happens at the birth. You become a mother and everything changes…as it should! That is when you hear everyone’s outrage that the “birthmother” has changed her mind. It is actually when her heart becomes stronger than her mind!

            I know this is true from listening to countless stories. I trust what I am telling you. People say that to keep a child from so many material advantages is selfish. I feel we need to learn better values. All the things you want to do you will do. If you want a good education, you will get one. You will travel. There is support out there for you. It will be hard, but nothing will ever be as hard as not being with your baby, not raising your child.

            People argue that times are different, that in the old days when I gave up my son the secrecy and lack of counseling is what created problems. That is just not true. I know that even more after reading your letter. The fact that the adoption would take place in another state tells me a lot. How open could an adoption be when you are too far away to be in your child’s life? How can a picture and a letter once a year hope to fill an empty heart?

            Another thing you must think about in making your decision is that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Circumstances change. You will get older. You may meet the perfect guy to father your child. The first two years can seem tough, but after that it seems to get easier. You are not your mother. You may not have to make her choices or respond to life the way she does. She doesn’t have to respond to life the way she does.

            I hope I have given you my thoughts without coming on too strong. I recommend that if you are still considering adoption for your baby, that you make two plans: one plan for adoption and the other in case you change your mind. Giving birth and bringing a child into the world is a huge adjustment on every level of your being, even under the best of circumstances. You will be very vulnerable to others right after the birth, especially if you have formed some sort of relationship with the prospective adoptive parents. It is almost like you are in a trance right after the birth, with all the hormones flooding your body, because you are meant to bond with your baby so that he can feel secure in this world. Your baby has been “one” with you for nine months. He already knows your voice, your rhythms, your smell. He needs to still feel one with you, and only you, long after birth in order to trust life. He does not want to be handed over to anybody else. You dread that day for a reason.

            If you know now that you can’t possibly give up your baby, then you have time to make plans and get support. You’ll be surprised at where help will come from once you make a firm decision.

            I also wonder if this might be an opportunity to find your father. You may find a great deal of strength doing that, no matter how it turns out. The truth always sets you free. It is too bad your baby’s father does not want to be part of his life, but that is not a reason to give your baby away either. Or for you to hate men! There are some really great men in the world. You will find one.

            You asked if I would have kept my baby, and then you knew the answer. YES. Knowing what I know now, nothing would have kept me from him. Two summers ago, my son Kip got married in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Jack, my surrendered son, and Anna, his wife, and their four children were all at the wedding. It was wonderful. One night, when I was tucking them in, they wanted to hear the story of why I gave up their Daddy. I tried to explain, but they were not buying any of my explanations. They kept insisting, “Grandma, you could have kept our Daddy. You could have kept him.” Facing them and knowing they were speaking the truth, I did not know how to answer them. Finally, I said, “You’re right, I could have. I just didn’t know it at the time.” They accepted that – and finally, so did I. (Once an adoption happens, future generations are affected.)

            I have had a remarkable life, but there is nothing I would not have traded in a heartbeat to have been able to raise Jack. I am sure now that Brett and Kip would have been my sons anyway as well. (40% of relinquishing mothers never had other children, however.) Who knows what I may have done had I kept him? Parenthood stops you only when you think it does. And if it does stop you for a while, it won’t always. Only if you let it.

            Some things in life you can put in the past. But not a child. Even when you are not with them, a part of you is. You are very wise to know this already. Children are always wiser than their parents or else there would be no such thing as evolution! I am sorry your mother can’t be there for you. Lots of women feel they are nobody without a man. I hope she is not letting her boyfriend influence her. However, it is a big life transition to become a grandmother. And she won’t know what that means until your baby is born. It is an initiation for her, too. And grandmas can be sexy!

            I am sending along a little gift that I have kept on my desk for many years. It was given to me at the first workshop I ever gave on Goddess spirituality for birth mothers, which is a facet of my spirituality. One of the women who attended, a fine writer and poet, picked up the rock on a walk in the woods the day before and painted it for me. Very wonderful women attended. Their spirits are in this rock to give you strength no matter what your decision.

I hope very much you keep in touch, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing. In many ways, I had the opportunity to feel like I was writing to myself at your age. Thank you.

I wish you many blessings.

Your friend,

Carol Schaefer